Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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