I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.