She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
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Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
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who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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