I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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