Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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