I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
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Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
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i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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