I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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