the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
