I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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