when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
