Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
