me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
