Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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