Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
