I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
