You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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