dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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