Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
