umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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