I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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