I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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