I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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