take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
