Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
