I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
