Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
