You really coming over, don't trick.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
