Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
