Your mouth is God's brothel.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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