Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
