I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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