3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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