i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
