My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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