Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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