two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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