she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
