Having a random hookup so left but love u
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
