does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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