I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't deserve a penis
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
