Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
