she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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