Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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