Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You are a genius and a whore.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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