The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
