Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
