I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
