fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
