I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
