at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
