My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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