I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
This toilet bowl is my home.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
