wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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