he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You're like the curious george of whores
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
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