Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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