Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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